Heart Kids

I follow heart kids on carepages, facebook and on their websites. It is hard to do it, whether they are doing good or bad. If they are doing bad, I remember when things were bad with Jack and that old ache comes back to me. If they are doing good, I can't help but think, why wasn't that us?

Some support, huh?

I miss Jack. I miss him so much it takes my breath away

were there signs?

Broken bracelet
Rosemary
Frannie
Miscarriage

White cars or signs?

"Carry Me"

At least once a day a lovely little voice says, "Mommy, I carry you". Which means, please pick me up, I am tired or I need to see/get something up high.

I sat in a lot of smoky bars in order to hear those words.

I remember when Jack used to say the same thing. And when Will came along, I used to carry both boys down the stairs. Sometimes one in each arm, sometimes one on my back (Jack) and the other in front (Will). I loved that feeling.

It made sitting all those nights in all those smoky bars worthwhile.

What Will doesn't know yet is that he really carries me, not the other way around. He helps my sad heavy heart pick itself up and move on with the day. Reminds me that their is another life in this house that needs me, wants me and loves me unconditionally. And that Jack my be gone in body but he lives on through Will and how Sam and I will raise Will and the man he will become.

Another gift from those lovely Robertson Boys.

Weekends

Weekends are hard, our days are not as structured and so the "loose" time makes us miss Jack so much more. He would have been in the yard today, with his Da helping fix the sprinklers and trimming trees. Or would he have been helping his mommy clean out the cars. Probably a little bit of both.

It is hard to imagine that he was here just a year ago and now he isn't. His spirit is so strong, we miss him so much. I hate to think that this time next year, I can't say, "he was here a year ago.".

We were probably still full of hope doing our Sunday routine of laundry, mass and the like. The hospital is quiet on a Sunday, keeping the status quo. The weather is probably changing in Boston, no longer humid but now a bit of chill in the air. I remember this time last year and how I had no clothes and no shoes for the cold weather.

I miss having hope.

I miss taking care of Jack.

I miss him so much.

Our lives will never be the same.

Happy Birthday Jack

Happy birthday baby! The day you were born was one of the happiest in my life. Having a child fulfilled my biggest wish in life, to become a mom. Being YOUR mom made it even sweeter. I loved caring for you in every complicated wonderful way and seeing you thrive and grow and overcome so much. Never have I seen such a determined confident child.

You took your own time coming into this world, which set the tone for your entire life. You always did thinks your own way, in your own time.

Thank you for being such a wonderful child, for teaching me so many things for showing me what true strength is and to never ever give up no matter what.

Thank you for letting me love you and to be your mom.

I will never stop loving you Jack and I will never stop missing you being here part of all the fun.

I will always wear red on Spetember 8th, the day the world was blessed with Red Jack Robertson.

Love,
Mommy

Siberia

Sam and I aren't talking, he is mad at me, I am mad at him.

Of course it is not about the laundry

It is about Jack.