Jack Should Be Here

Playing on a rainy Friday afternoon in his cousin's basement. Helping Molly set up the trainset for Liam and Will, laughing at Kate's antics and being gentle with sweet Nora.

Got a lovely thank you today from a child we sent a gift card too. His words made Sam and I cry. We hope you are proud of us Jack. We certainly were proud to be your parents.

When will Sam and I quit questioning what we did? The decisions we made? Do the doctors and nurses feel any remorse?

How we miss you Jack each and every second of the day.

Not Sleeping

I havent' been sleeping well these past few weeks. Hard to believe, I know. Tonight was no exception, except that Will would not settle down. He would not go to sleep, and after much wrangling with him, I fell back to an old trick I used to pull with Jack. I would lay in bed with Jack and re-live the day with him. I would start by talking about what we did in the mornign, what we ate for breakfast, what we did during the day, etc. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

When he was in the hospital, I used to re-live those days again with him. To keep his mind off things and to make him remember that there was a life outside of that bed, that ventilator, that room.

Wish you were her making new memories and living new days with me Jack.

I miss you Jack. I love you so much.

Mommy

Seeing Nurse LeeAnn

One of the first nurses to take care of him, we will never forget her

Hard to explain what happened, what a weird coincedence to see her

I miss his little hand
I miss his little heart

Why did he have to die

One Hundred Days

Nothing short of Jack being here will ever make any of this right. I can't believe he is not here. He was such a joy and I miss being his mommy. I hope that he isn't mad at me and knows that I did try my best. I would have moved any mountain, taken on any obstacle, fought any battle for him. He was so worth it.

My heart is broken.

I miss my child.

Relive it to Forgive it

Really, why do I have to do this?

Day Before Easter

Tonight is the night before Easter and wow, I am missing Jack. How my life has changed going from two child to just one. Aside from the obvious differences, only buying a half gallon of milk, instead of one and the lack of laundry that I hav etto do for the under 2' set, to how easy it is to get out of the house in the morning.

No, tonight I am remembering my first Easter with Jack and how stressful it was. Packing to spend the night in STJ, trying to remember everything, meds, milk, pumps, clothes, spare supplies, th elike. The back of my car was jammed packed. By the time I arrived in STJ we were both exhausted. Didn't sleep well, then up for an early Mass, which I walked the back of the church for the entire service. I remember feeling, "I am so tired". Jack cried all the way back to KC in fact, we had to stop to make sure he was okay. It was a wild weekend.

Last year I rmember the stres of trying to get everything done on Saturday, shoes to shine, clothes to iron, baskets to pack, bunny items to get out, food to prepare. It is amazing how little Will requires, or how much goes into getting two kids ready.

I miss Jack. Nothing short of him being with me will ever make this right. He was a lovely, loving little boy. I love him! Happy Easter baby boy.