Small Hands to hold

This Baby Moves Like Jack

Jack used to get the hiccups in utero. My mom told me she never had a baby do that. Of course that isn't a very supportive thing to say. Imagine that.

This baby has the hiccups a lot too. The dr said that was a sign of a healthy baby. Huh?

I like having this baby in me, keeping it safe and sound. I don't think there is anything wrong with it I just am enjoying my final weeks of my last pregnancy. And that makes me sad.

5 pregnancies and only one child so far. What shitty percentages that is.

I should have more babies with me.....causing a ruckus and making me nuts.

Don't Follow The Light Jack

I used to tell him that in the car. I would say, "Jack, don't ever follow the light or listen to any voices that you don't know. Always come back to me and follow my voice."

Wonder if that kept him alive all those months in 2009. My voice. Telling him he could do it, to tell his heart to relax, to put all those bugs in the bug jug.

Did I prolong the inevitable? Did I cause my son undue pain and suffering? Was I being selfish?

The guilt overwhelms me sometimes. The failure is monutmental. The loss is so great.

Never in my life will I be the same, never in my life will I forgive myself.

Today I am MAD

I don't want to hear about kids getting a four chambered heart

My child is lying in a grave in Raytown, MO

I did everything they asked me to do. I wasn't a jackass mom. I took him to doctors, had the therapists invade my house, fought with insurance companies, argued with pharmacists.

I followed their instructions to the tee. I DID MY JOB!

Why didn't they do theirs?

Did you Know

That in the CICU in Boston the man comes by at 4PM sharp to clean the floors?

That the cleaning chemicals don't smell clean?

That Mass is said at 11:30 every Sunday in the Patient Entertainment Center

That the smell of Au Bon Pain permeates every single part of that building?

I miss Boston.

Today I am thinking about

The mom who is sitting by her child's bedside stroking their hand, praying that everything will be okay

The mom who is in the waiting room for a procedure or surgery to be over, as fear and pain grip her heart

The mom who exhaustedly sits in their child's hospital room, trying to find something to distract or comfort

The mom who doesn't know what the future holds, who hopes for the best, but fears the worst.

An Unusual Mother

Who do you know that celebrates Mother's Day with one child in the grave, one in the womb and one running around with a messy face?

That was me on the most difficult day of the year.

Mother's Day.

So glad I survived it.

Because it sucks.


"Ask My Mom How She Is"
My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.

...Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain,
she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright"
If that's the truth then tell me, why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well,
she doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping,"
For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine,
But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold,
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!"

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

THe other day Will asked me to sing this song and it literally broke my heart.

How many times, in how many different places did I sing this song to you Jack, to keep your mind off all the pokes, sticks and tubes?

And now my little William loves to chirp this song as it was truly intended.

It will always bring tears to my eyes